| Don't
Play Chess on Drugs |
| There is a movement out there in the wide, wide world to
include chess as an Olympic sport, and as a result, to begin
treating chess players as if they are international-caliber
athletes. |
| This is true. Really. The Federation Internationale des
Echecques, a body that governs international chess tournament
play, has decided to begin testing all its players for drugs
in the same way that Olympic athletes are tested. |
| This is a bad idea. What will become of international chess
tournaments if the players are no longer able to use muscle-building
steroids and chemicals to build up their physical endurance
when they play? |
| First of all, the players won't look nearly as good in their
suits since their physiques will become flabby and pasty without
some kind of artificial body shaping. |
| And if the players aren't allowed to take caffeine or nicotine,
those chess matches that have become so ragingly popular with
the Tiger Woods crowd will become ... could it be so? ...
boring. |
| Wait a minute. Chess is boring. It's fun to play with a
7-year-old because I can always win about half of the time,
but watching a chess match in progress is like spending a
few days in Calculus class for old time's sake. |
| And a sport? Chess is a game, as is bridge, which is also
being considered to be added to the Olympics. Chess players
are very smart, but they are not athletes. They exercise their
minds, and that is noble and impressive, but it doesn't make
it sport. |
| Bridge players are smart, too, but nobody I've ever played
cards with played with enough flair to warrant recognition
as an athlete. |
| The International Olympic Committee could really draw a
crowd if it pitted the world's greatest chess players against
the world champion bridge teams on, for example, the Greco-Roman
wrestling mat. Winner take all. |
| What's next? Computer games? If so, my brother-in-law is
on his way to greatness, because nobody spends more time practicing
"Unreal Tournament" than he does. |
| You know what game should be entered into the Olympics?
"Candyland," that classic of American youth. Or "Chutes and
Ladders." I was so good at "Chutes and Ladders" when I was
a kid. |
| How about "Head of the Class," where all the spaces on the
board were shaped like little desks? I can't remember how
the game is played, but it probably involved nothing that
a kid would actually study in a class. |
| "Monopoly" is the most likely game to be included in the
Olympics, because it's the game most likely to go on for days
and days. During a big snowstorm when I was a teenager, all
the children in our cul-de-sac kept a game of "Monopoly" going
for five or six days. |
| Once you start making IOUs and subscribing to liberal interpretations
of the rules, "Monopoly" can last forever. |
| If you think the female gymnasts are getting younger and
younger, wait until they start letting board games become
part of the Olympics. The international gold medalists in
the gaming division will all be in middle school. |
| "And now, representing America in the Olympic championship
of Scrabble,' little Joey and his mom, Bertha." The crowd
goes wild. Joey goes on to sign a $7 million deal with the
Mead notebook company and star in a rock music video using
the name "Kid Rock." |
| But then little Joey is caught using steroids in a dying
effort to try and outlast the 6-year-old rookie from Ohio
who whipped him at the world championships. |
| Let chess be chess, bridge be bridge, sports be sports. |
| In the meantime, I'll be at home studying "Stratego" in
case my next-door neighbor's kids are looking for a challenge. |
