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Posted March 1, 2002

Older, but Maybe Not Wiser

I celebrated my 59th birthday this week, and the way I see it, it's the best age, at this point in my life, that I can be.

First of all, it's sort of a non-birthday. I mean what is at all significant about being 59? You're not young, you're not old, you're just 59. Last year I was 58, and I could never remember my age. At 59, however, I can remember that a year from now I'll be 60, which probably is a real turning point in the age of man, because 60 is old.

There are other really good things about being 59. In six months I'll be 59-1/2, which means I can begin taking money out of my IRA without a penalty, like I actually have money to take out of an IRA without a penalty.

Anyway, with the market the way it is, who would want to take money out of their IRA at 59-1/2 even if they had money to take out. I think I'll just keep adding to it and keep on losing my money. An IRA is sort of like betting at Atlantic City, which I'm too young to travel to on a bus with really old people to spend eight hours there. However, I'm too young to call it Ësin city.Ó

Here's another good thing about being 59: Everyone who has celebrated their 62nd, or 80th, or 90th, or 95th, or 100th birthday, at one time was 59 years old. That's encouraging for me because at least I have survived my first 59 years. That by anyone's account is a miracle in itself.

I'm too young to be a dirty old man, too old to stay out all night, too young to qualify for the 25-cent cup of ËseniorÓ coffee at McDonalds (it once was a free cup of ËseniorÓ coffee) and too old to worry about the pimple on my chin. Can you believe that a 59-year-old man still can get a pimple on his chin? It's just not fair.

I'm too young to consider prunes comfort food and I still mix my martinis with vermouth instead of Metamucil.

I'm too old to eat Captain Crunch, too old to watch Mighty Mouse, but too young to eat the early-bird special at Cracker Barrel and too young to wait in line to eat there with all those really old people sitting in old rocking chairs on the restaurant's old front porch.

I'm too old to ask the advice of others, but too young to depend on Depends.

However, I'm not too old to be a member of AARP, and in fact I've been a member for nine years. Now that's one of the really great advantages of getting older.

My younger brother sent me a birthday card which read, ËLet's get old. You start.Ó We're both young enough that we can still laugh about our ages, unlike my two older brothers who are really old¼in their 60s-type old, which is old. But come to think about it, they were also both 59 once.

They say age is all in your mind. Boloney. Age is in your joints, your eyes, your toes, your shoulders, your skin, your stamina and in your innards.

I'm glad I'm 59. That means I have an entire year before I'm really old.

And that's Our Town this week.