Observer Online | Viewpoints

Posted July 26, 2002

Tom Grein

Heaven is Hudson Bay

In this, the long, hot summer of 2002, I have several reasons for wanting to move to Hudson Bay, Canada.

First, all the stock brokers and financial advisers have been eaten by the Polar Bears, hundreds of CEOs, COOs and CFOs are all floating on ice floes which will soon melt into the warming waters, and Hudson Bay banks are accepting chickens and seal hides as deposits to make your house payments.

Second, it's cooler there. I know that because I know Polar Bears and seals don't like 100-degree days. Virginia has been like living in a greenhouse with dying, drying plants and dusty floors. Hudson Bay isn't like that. They don't allow those conditions there.

And speaking of greenhouses, don't tell me it's not hotter these days than it was 35 years ago. My mind is still sharp enough to remember 35 years ago. Of course, I wasn't living in Virginia then. I was living in Nashville, Tenn., where it's actually hotter. But in 2002, summers are hotter and winters are warmer. Is it like that at Hudson Bay?

Third, there's nothing to do at Hudson Bay. You're already on vacation if you're there, and you can sit and sit and sit and read. Or sit and sit and sit and not read. Your choice. Just about now that sounds really good to me.

Fourth, I hear the smoked salmon is delicious, the vegetables are fresh and crisp, the moose burgers are lean, the beer is cold, the men are handsome, the women beautiful and the children well behaved. Nice combination.

But I have a big problem: My wife, Betsy, just doesn't buy into my Canadian dreams. She seems to think it's just a bit far north, a bit too cold, and a lot bit isolated. Just the reasons, by the way, that I want to go there.

She does like the part about the stock brokers, the financial advisors and the CEOs. But that's about as far as it goes.

I must admit that some of my best friends are stock brokers and financial advisers. I get good advice from them. They say, "Buy low, sell high." Or, "Hold on to those stocks, Tom. The market is nearing its bottom."

They've been telling me that for months now, "Hold on to those stocks, Tom. The market is nearing its bottom."

The problem is, the bottom keeps getting lower. I still think that 10,500 was a really nice bottom, as bottoms go.

Then I thought that 9,500 was a good bottom. But, no, "Hold on to those stocks, Tom. The market is nearing its bottom." As I write this column the bottom has reached 7,7804.17.

It reminds me of that old limbo song, "How low can you go?"

My 401(k) is now a 200.5(k), and my IRA now means "Investments Rotted Away."

And then there's the news that WorldCom has filed for bankruptcy "protection." Protection is the key word here. The courts will "protect" WorldCom from having to pay its creditors so it can continue to operate, lose more money and eventually not pay more creditors and vendors.

Go figure.

And if that's not enough, now some congressmen are suggesting that we need auditors to audit the auditors. That should instill confidence in all of us. How about more shadow senators to shadow the senators?

Hudson Bay is sounding better all the time: "Where the smoked salmon is delicious, the vegetables are fresh and crisp, the moose burgers are lean, the beer is cold, the men are handsome, the women beautiful and the children well behaved."

And the Polar Bears are having a lovely dinner on an ice floe.

And that's Our Town this week.